Giving up

Today was a day where you feel like it won’t end. You just want to give up on everyone and everything and don’t give a damn. You say screw you and screw it all. I had one of those days today. I made something special for someone who has nothing and she was so excited when she got the gift. Then when someone they love said it’s awful it changes their mind on your special gift that you gave them. Which in turn makes you question what you made. I feel so small. I am a big woman so to feel small, tiny and insignificant is weird in a way but it’s true. It is good to be humbled though from time to time. 

 I made this special gift and it got shat on. By someone who thought they could do better and make it nicer and shamed me for many things and having to buy supplies which the gift receiver didn’t even have to provide. Shamed me for doing something good. Something kind and thoughtful and I was so proud and happy to give a homemade gift to someone who has no one, who has nothing. I thought I was helping. Instead I get a slap on the face.

 I over reacted in my mind I know it. But I never did take criticism well. Who does? 

What’s interesting and sad is a person I know went through a similar thing but she handled it differently. But she still felt the sting. She was harsher, angrier, and more critical. Yet I still now am able to sympathize whereas I was to quick to judge before. It’s interesting the lessons you learn when that lesson happens to you. 

There is an exception, you shouldn’t become bitter, don’t give up. Don’t hate don’t be angry. I wear my feelings on my sleeves all to often and it’s high time I pull those sleeves back and toughin up a bit. You will make an impression on someone because you tried. Because you cared, because you loved. Love is the most important as long as you do it from love and kindness keep on keeping on. 

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I OVERCAME

Here is where my story begins;

My earliest memory was probably when I was about 3 years old and my parents and I and my almost adult sister were driving on the freeway a long ways from home. I never honestly liked my father. He was mean and abusive to my mother so I of course as a small child saw this and feared him. I was sitting in the middle front seat and my mother was driving and my father was sitting passenger front and my sister was in the back seat. My father did and does love me in his own way and he wanted affection, but to a small girl who fears this man I wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me to sit in his lap and I refused and he then was furious and was screaming at me. My mother screaming at him telling him to stop it. He ordered her to pull the car over. She always did what she was told. She pulled over on the side of the road and told us to get out. He forced my mother and I to get out and walk he drove off and left us. I remember being so scared and so afraid. My mother picked me up and carried me as we both cried. Many vehicles pulled over and asked if we wanted a ride each time my mother said no. Each time my hopes of never seeing my father again were dashed. After about and hour or so hard to tell time as a 3 year old. My father showed back up and pulled over and ordered us to get in. He then verbally abused us and we sat silently and cried. Later it was my sister sobbing who had begged him to go back and get us. This early memory haunts me and often gives me nightmares. 

He loved to tease you about anything and everything until you cried or got mad then you got in trouble and you were punished to sit in the timeout chair for a hour at a time. He continued to tease you while you were in timeout to make sure you continued to cry.

I have 2 half brothers and 2 half sisters they are all 10 years or more older than me. He abused them as well and much much worse than I ever had gotten but that’s not my story to tell.My mother had left him only once when I was a tiny baby so I don’t remember anything. I do know my siblings said that it was a wonderful time when she was away from him. Sadly my mother is a weak woman who has been abused and broken so badly she went back to him and has stayed with him ever since and now she is 64 years old. He did threaten to kill her and me if she ever left again. He currently holds the threat that if she leaves him he will kill me and my family. So she stays. 

My father is a controlling man. He didn’t allow my mother to have any of her 3 sisters and mother to have any contact with them. She wasnt allowed any friends either. She worked on the ranch her whole life with my father. I remember dreading Sundays because at church he would put on this big act of being a loving wonderful father and husband. But we knew we would have to pay for him having to act like a decent human when we got home from church. He was so mean he never hit me physically to my recollection but some things I have blocked out but he verbally and mentally abused me everyday. He would throw things and hit and abuse my mother. He caused her to miscarry right before she had me because he hit her in the belly with a stick. It was a baby boy.

He viciously abused animals any animals like dogs or cats he caught on our ranch he would torture and shoot them or drown them and he relished it. It was so sick. I remember a skunk he had caught in a live trap and he just left it there in agony no food or drink until it died it took weeks. He would threaten to deck me or knock me into next week if I tried to say or do anything. 

I was in third grade in public school when cps was finally notified. I think my then adult sister tipped them off. I was called into the principals office and I was in a small room with about 4 adults and they asked me all kinds of questions about my dad and his temper and what he does when he is angry. I was scared and worried and was thinking about how much screaming and trouble that was going to happen when I got home. I remember not saying much and just crying. Of course my parents found out and I was immediately pulled from school. He homeschooled me until I was in 7th grade it was horrible.  

His favorite way to abuse me was with anything sweet he kept all sweets and sodas etc any kind of treats locked in a closet and only he had the key. He would get things out and eat them in front of me and say how good it was and I can’t have any. This went on until I moved out at 18. He always thought I was fat and made fun of me and how I looked. I was very fit and athletic my entire high school years only about 160-190 pounds and all muscle I did sports constantly. I felt so ashamed of my weight back then even though I was so slim. I am 5ft 10in tall so I looked good. But I had no self esteem at all. I wore a huge baggy coat all day long for the first two years of high school ashamed of my body the way my father said I should be. I went to a private 8th grade school that I loved and I went to public high school and boy was that a shock. I was teased there for being about as naive as you can get. But after a couple years I made good friends and was good at sports and I did okay. 

My mother doesn’t sleep well at night due to my father snoring every night. So she would sleep in the spare bedroom. I woke to screaming cursing and sobs and my father informed my mother she wasnt allowed to sleep anywhere but in his bed. I was so angry I was in my teens by now. I screamed at him to stop it. He turned his rage onto me I ran into the bathroom and sat with my back to the counter and feet pressed to the door because he didn’t allow any locks on doors in the house except the junk food closet. He slammed his body against the door and cursed and threatened me once he was to get that door open the awful decking I was going to get. But I was older now and stronger. He couldnt get the door open. He kept at it for hours. I was so tired and so terrified. But he gave up cursed and verbally abused me and left me be, an exhausted sobbing mess. My mother got him to calm down after he left me. I was also grossed out that she was forced to sleep naked everyday of her life. I didn’t ask why. Because I knew. 

I was 13 and so tired I was ready to leave this world. I went up and stood by the highway ready to step in front of a semi and end my pain and fear. I was 13 and exhausted. I was a mature 40 year old woman in a 13 year old body. I couldn’t do this anymore. I watched the big semi’s fly by and they honked in alarm at me so close. I closed my eyes and told myself to walk. But I was a coward and couldnt do it.

I often begged my mother to leave him. She would always say no he would kill us. I have always deeply loved my mother our bond was so tight. I know now that she is her own person and makes her own choices.But I often prayed for her to make better choices for us. The closer I got to 18 the brighter the light got at the end of my tunnel. Also the worse their fights were. He often just called her fat and filthy names just to watch her cry with pleasure. He would throw things at her and would dump food on her. I couldn’t grasp and still cannot to this day why she stays with him. 

As I finally hit 18 and was packing to leave a month early to college to get away from his screaming and abuse. He started screaming at her over nothing he said his soup was too hot! I now 18 crawled into my closet and hid and and sobbed I just wanted to him to shut up I started to pull my own hair out and thats how my mother found me with blood under my nails tons of pulled out hair in my fists. She was so defeated looking. She didn’t  want me to leave her alone there with him. But for my own well being I had to go and so I left and started to smoke cigarettes and worked two jobs to forget and be busy. 

Once I was moved out I was free! It felt so good so amazing! 

I had many issues but the biggest was my weight when I was skinny I was called fat and now that I could have treats I struggled with moderation due to my past. I started to gain a lot. I got married to an amazing man and have two amazing kids. But my weight is still a battle. I finally started to get it under control after turning 30 and knowing I am well over 300 pounds and I have to get it off for me. My father is still awful to me but always isn’t his true self in front of others thankfully for my families sake but he often verbally abuses me about my weight. I always think back and remember when I was healthy and skinny he said I was fat then too. 

But I am shaking off his chains and changing my life for me. I’ve lost over 30 pounds since turning 30 and I am now getting help and more support with losing and being healthy.

I overcame. You too can overcome!

Working mom

Today is my last day as a SAHM. I feel like a bit of me died. I am not meaning to sound dramatic. I honestly am so so sad. I loved being with my babies 24/7. My mother in law didn’t understand cause she is so social and needs that. I am just happy with my family my babies. I wanted my babies since I was nine years old.  I have at least breastfed my son for almost a year full time. I will continue to breastfeed for awhile yet. I loved watching them splash and play in the pool. I loved taking them on outings and walks everyday and napping with them in the early afternoon. Staring at their beautiful sleeping angel faces. I am so incredibly sad. But I have to do this we just are not making it on one income. My mother made me feel worse saying you will go take care of other people (I work with behavior issues children) but won’t take care if your own? What if something happens to them? What then? I always put my babies to bed and I always feed them dinner. I always bathe them. Now I get to see them 3 days a week. I feel like I am getting a divorce from my babies. I don’t think I can do it. What if my infant is super sad and upset and can’t calm down without me? What if my little girl cannot fall asleep without extra hugs kisses snuggles and love don’t count she always says. What then? My heart is broken.

Struggling

I have an eternal deep struggle with homosexuality. But let me start at the beginning…

The home I grew up in was a home of strictness, extremist, and often abusive. My mother who is now 63 years old has been abused her entire life. I hope that when she goes to Heaven God has a very very special saintly place for her because she has been dealt a tough hand in life.
Anyways, my father verbally abused us all. He also physically and verbally and mentally abused my mother. I think he physically abused my half brothers and sisters too but I was to young to know. If I was physically abused I have blocked it out. I do remember the verbal and the mental abuse. It was so hard sometimes. Yet that is a another blog post for another time. The reason and bit of background is my folks are conservative republican. I was raised that way. I have read the bible (most of it) I believe in God and Jesus and consider myself a Christian. But my father is the most bigot, sexist, racist, anti homosexual person I have ever encountered. These teachings were pounded into my skull. Thankfully with help from my husband and friends and priest and researching I was able to overcome everything except homosexuality. It’s so hard to change any thought processes on it. I read the bible I feel that God honestly doesn’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. Is it a choice? Is it a disease? Is it a birth defect? Is it a temptation? I don’t know. Am I afraid? Yes, I don’t want to associate because I don’t want God to be mad at me to stop loving me. I am terrified of hell. I terrified of dieing I am terrified of possibility of pugatory. I also am afraid of the Popes. I don’t like that they think they can speak for God or that they think they can forgive us our sins. Only God can forgive us. I have friends that are homosexual, I am not mean to them. I do not hate them. I am afraid to be more than an distant friend. Such as a polite and distant acquaintance. I don’t trust. I am just afraid. I hope someday somehow peace will find me. I am not afraid of God I know he is love. This struggle was brought to the forefront of my mind with the shootings in FL. This was so horrible what monster goes into a place and just kills people? Who is this person? He is not God! He doesn’t get to judge these people he doesn’t get to kill them. Yet this person this monster stole those lives. I ache with sadness for all the loss these deaths have caused all these families. I may not support gay marriage but I do support life.

What happend to modesty?

What happened to modesty?

Definition:

Simple Definition of modesty

: the quality of not being too proud or confident about yourself or your abilities

: the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention

Nowadays in 2016 the people, women in general say that they should be able to be mostly nude and that is perfectly acceptable. No it is not. It isn’t modest and it absolutely attracts sexual attention!! Men definitely get aroused seeing a woman’s nearly nude or scantily clad body. What happened to modesty? No I don’t agree that if you wear a bikini to a beach you deserve or would get raped. If you do wear immodest clothes you will be looked at its is human nature. Folks of the opposite sex are normally naturally attracted to other people. That’s the way life is. When you wear clothes that show to much skin you will probably have cruddy or improper men or any man make an advance on you. That is society these days. They assume since you are wearing practically nothing that you are a slut or you are “easy”. It is important to leave some things to the imagination and to save your private self for your significant other. I cannot believe how horrible everyone’s morals and ethics are nowadays. A woman dresses like a hooker and a man makes a sexual advance or remark (not touching her) and they think something is wrong with the man… well don’t dress like you want to screw everything that walks. 

To work or not to work~

Have you ever felt anxious about doing what is right? Well, I have been a stay at home mom for most of my 2 kids lives. My eldest IS almost four. I love it. Some days are definitely hard and trying. But usually they are amazing and blessed. But we need me to work. So as a family we decided yes I need to get gainful employment. My in laws are so wonderful and supportive and so is my hubby and friends. My parents of course are not. They think a mother’s place is to be a mother. But I am more than just a mother. I am a friend and a lover and wife and daughter and coworker and a mother. I adore my babies and have always ever since I was nine wanted to be a stay at home mom. And maybe after we get back on our feet or my hubby gets a higher paying job in his career field I could quit and be a SAHM again. But for now this is the right thing to do. I am so anxious about being away from my little girl and my eleven month old baby boy whom I still nurse full time. It’s crazy all the feelings than ravage you about going back to work, anxiety, fear, depression, shame, scared, anger. I feel like I am letting my kids down. Yet I am doing this for all of us so we can have things and pay bills and eat. But I know that feeling you get when going back to work. I just hope and pray I am making a good decision and that all will be well.

Furbaby

So, we have a new furbaby, since our old dog passed on last month. She was such a wonderful dog!! She had organ failure and bad diabetes. So we now have a 15 week old female puppy who we got at 7 weeks old. I will never buy, rent, own, borrow or raise another puppy. This is it. It is exhausting and frustrating and time consuming. Especially when I have a toddler and an infant. Now don’t get me wrong I love my furbaby she is a fantastic lil girl and is very kind and sweet. But she jumps up on the kids and she chews and she whines and she urinates in my house a lot. It’s very overwhelming somedays. She has much improved of course due to being 15 weeks old and lots and lots training and patience. But she now has excitement and being in trouble peeing that she does which is very tiring as well. Again no puppy ever ever again. But again I love her and she is my furbaby and she is my last furbabypuppy.