Have you ever felt anxious about doing what is right? Well, I have been a stay at home mom for most of my 2 kids lives. My eldest IS almost four. I love it. Some days are definitely hard and trying. But usually they are amazing and blessed. But we need me to work. So as a family we decided yes I need to get gainful employment. My in laws are so wonderful and supportive and so is my hubby and friends. My parents of course are not. They think a mother’s place is to be a mother. But I am more than just a mother. I am a friend and a lover and wife and daughter and coworker and a mother. I adore my babies and have always ever since I was nine wanted to be a stay at home mom. And maybe after we get back on our feet or my hubby gets a higher paying job in his career field I could quit and be a SAHM again. But for now this is the right thing to do. I am so anxious about being away from my little girl and my eleven month old baby boy whom I still nurse full time. It’s crazy all the feelings than ravage you about going back to work, anxiety, fear, depression, shame, scared, anger. I feel like I am letting my kids down. Yet I am doing this for all of us so we can have things and pay bills and eat. But I know that feeling you get when going back to work. I just hope and pray I am making a good decision and that all will be well.
So, we have a new furbaby, since our old dog passed on last month. She was such a wonderful dog!! She had organ failure and bad diabetes. So we now have a 15 week old female puppy who we got at 7 weeks old. I will never buy, rent, own, borrow or raise another puppy. This is it. It is exhausting and frustrating and time consuming. Especially when I have a toddler and an infant. Now don’t get me wrong I love my furbaby she is a fantastic lil girl and is very kind and sweet. But she jumps up on the kids and she chews and she whines and she urinates in my house a lot. It’s very overwhelming somedays. She has much improved of course due to being 15 weeks old and lots and lots training and patience. But she now has excitement and being in trouble peeing that she does which is very tiring as well. Again no puppy ever ever again. But again I love her and she is my furbaby and she is my last furbabypuppy.
As I sat in the front row watching my oldest child, who is three up on stage doing her preschool singing program. It really hit me. I am a mom. Of course I knew I was, I am a mother of two kiddos here on earth and had many moments of feeling like a mom. But only a few have stood out to me in the chaos of chasing a toddler and a ten month old all day everyday. But seeing her up there being so grown up so big. It really humbled me and made me feel like a mother, old, sad, and happy all at the same time. Time is so precious and it goes so quickly. I try to hang onto every moment but they seem to just slip away. I felt so proud of my little girl up there with her minnie mouse dress on and bouncing curls and happy as can be to be showing off on that stage. She seeks me out in the crowd and soon as she spots my familiar face. Her eyes light up and her hand waves vigorously at me. I love that feeling of being missed and being loved. Such a proud parent moment.