Today is my last day as a SAHM. I feel like a bit of me died. I am not meaning to sound dramatic. I honestly am so so sad. I loved being with my babies 24/7. My mother in law didn’t understand cause she is so social and needs that. I am just happy with my family my babies. I wanted my babies since I was nine years old. I have at least breastfed my son for almost a year full time. I will continue to breastfeed for awhile yet. I loved watching them splash and play in the pool. I loved taking them on outings and walks everyday and napping with them in the early afternoon. Staring at their beautiful sleeping angel faces. I am so incredibly sad. But I have to do this we just are not making it on one income. My mother made me feel worse saying you will go take care of other people (I work with behavior issues children) but won’t take care if your own? What if something happens to them? What then? I always put my babies to bed and I always feed them dinner. I always bathe them. Now I get to see them 3 days a week. I feel like I am getting a divorce from my babies. I don’t think I can do it. What if my infant is super sad and upset and can’t calm down without me? What if my little girl cannot fall asleep without extra hugs kisses snuggles and love don’t count she always says. What then? My heart is broken.
I have an eternal deep struggle with homosexuality. But let me start at the beginning…
The home I grew up in was a home of strictness, extremist, and often abusive. My mother who is now 63 years old has been abused her entire life. I hope that when she goes to Heaven God has a very very special saintly place for her because she has been dealt a tough hand in life.
Anyways, my father verbally abused us all. He also physically and verbally and mentally abused my mother. I think he physically abused my half brothers and sisters too but I was to young to know. If I was physically abused I have blocked it out. I do remember the verbal and the mental abuse. It was so hard sometimes. Yet that is a another blog post for another time. The reason and bit of background is my folks are conservative republican. I was raised that way. I have read the bible (most of it) I believe in God and Jesus and consider myself a Christian. But my father is the most bigot, sexist, racist, anti homosexual person I have ever encountered. These teachings were pounded into my skull. Thankfully with help from my husband and friends and priest and researching I was able to overcome everything except homosexuality. It’s so hard to change any thought processes on it. I read the bible I feel that God honestly doesn’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. Is it a choice? Is it a disease? Is it a birth defect? Is it a temptation? I don’t know. Am I afraid? Yes, I don’t want to associate because I don’t want God to be mad at me to stop loving me. I am terrified of hell. I terrified of dieing I am terrified of possibility of pugatory. I also am afraid of the Popes. I don’t like that they think they can speak for God or that they think they can forgive us our sins. Only God can forgive us. I have friends that are homosexual, I am not mean to them. I do not hate them. I am afraid to be more than an distant friend. Such as a polite and distant acquaintance. I don’t trust. I am just afraid. I hope someday somehow peace will find me. I am not afraid of God I know he is love. This struggle was brought to the forefront of my mind with the shootings in FL. This was so horrible what monster goes into a place and just kills people? Who is this person? He is not God! He doesn’t get to judge these people he doesn’t get to kill them. Yet this person this monster stole those lives. I ache with sadness for all the loss these deaths have caused all these families. I may not support gay marriage but I do support life.
What happened to modesty?
Simple Definition of modesty
: the quality of not being too proud or confident about yourself or your abilities
: the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention
Nowadays in 2016 the people, women in general say that they should be able to be mostly nude and that is perfectly acceptable. No it is not. It isn’t modest and it absolutely attracts sexual attention!! Men definitely get aroused seeing a woman’s nearly nude or scantily clad body. What happened to modesty? No I don’t agree that if you wear a bikini to a beach you deserve or would get raped. If you do wear immodest clothes you will be looked at its is human nature. Folks of the opposite sex are normally naturally attracted to other people. That’s the way life is. When you wear clothes that show to much skin you will probably have cruddy or improper men or any man make an advance on you. That is society these days. They assume since you are wearing practically nothing that you are a slut or you are “easy”. It is important to leave some things to the imagination and to save your private self for your significant other. I cannot believe how horrible everyone’s morals and ethics are nowadays. A woman dresses like a hooker and a man makes a sexual advance or remark (not touching her) and they think something is wrong with the man… well don’t dress like you want to screw everything that walks.