Struggling

I have an eternal deep struggle with homosexuality. But let me start at the beginning…

The home I grew up in was a home of strictness, extremist, and often abusive. My mother who is now 63 years old has been abused her entire life. I hope that when she goes to Heaven God has a very very special saintly place for her because she has been dealt a tough hand in life.
Anyways, my father verbally abused us all. He also physically and verbally and mentally abused my mother. I think he physically abused my half brothers and sisters too but I was to young to know. If I was physically abused I have blocked it out. I do remember the verbal and the mental abuse. It was so hard sometimes. Yet that is a another blog post for another time. The reason and bit of background is my folks are conservative republican. I was raised that way. I have read the bible (most of it) I believe in God and Jesus and consider myself a Christian. But my father is the most bigot, sexist, racist, anti homosexual person I have ever encountered. These teachings were pounded into my skull. Thankfully with help from my husband and friends and priest and researching I was able to overcome everything except homosexuality. It’s so hard to change any thought processes on it. I read the bible I feel that God honestly doesn’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. Is it a choice? Is it a disease? Is it a birth defect? Is it a temptation? I don’t know. Am I afraid? Yes, I don’t want to associate because I don’t want God to be mad at me to stop loving me. I am terrified of hell. I terrified of dieing I am terrified of possibility of pugatory. I also am afraid of the Popes. I don’t like that they think they can speak for God or that they think they can forgive us our sins. Only God can forgive us. I have friends that are homosexual, I am not mean to them. I do not hate them. I am afraid to be more than an distant friend. Such as a polite and distant acquaintance. I don’t trust. I am just afraid. I hope someday somehow peace will find me. I am not afraid of God I know he is love. This struggle was brought to the forefront of my mind with the shootings in FL. This was so horrible what monster goes into a place and just kills people? Who is this person? He is not God! He doesn’t get to judge these people he doesn’t get to kill them. Yet this person this monster stole those lives. I ache with sadness for all the loss these deaths have caused all these families. I may not support gay marriage but I do support life.

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