Have you ever felt anxious about doing what is right? Well, I have been a stay at home mom for most of my 2 kids lives. My eldest IS almost four. I love it. Some days are definitely hard and trying. But usually they are amazing and blessed. But we need me to work. So as a family we decided yes I need to get gainful employment. My in laws are so wonderful and supportive and so is my hubby and friends. My parents of course are not. They think a mother’s place is to be a mother. But I am more than just a mother. I am a friend and a lover and wife and daughter and coworker and a mother. I adore my babies and have always ever since I was nine wanted to be a stay at home mom. And maybe after we get back on our feet or my hubby gets a higher paying job in his career field I could quit and be a SAHM again. But for now this is the right thing to do. I am so anxious about being away from my little girl and my eleven month old baby boy whom I still nurse full time. It’s crazy all the feelings than ravage you about going back to work, anxiety, fear, depression, shame, scared, anger. I feel like I am letting my kids down. Yet I am doing this for all of us so we can have things and pay bills and eat. But I know that feeling you get when going back to work. I just hope and pray I am making a good decision and that all will be well.
So, my first baby is a girl. I was very excited to breastfeed. I was excited for the healthyness, the bond and my favorite part it’s FREE. Lol. Well I always assumed breastfeeding would be as easy as breathing! After all everyone has nipples how hard could it be? HA flipping hard that’s what. Very flipping difficult. The baby’s mouth has to be just right or it hurts. Plus it’s hurts for the first month anyways cause your brand new baby is sucking on your swollen boobs/nipples every 2 hours and sometimes even more often than that! I remember the first week home with my first baby. I had no clue what the hell I was doing with this six pound 3 ounce screaming bundle of joy. I tried to get her to latch she couldn’t and then would cry and then I cried. My hormones were through the roof. People kept visiting too and I had just had a c section, and I was constantly in my big baggy ugly granny pajamas. People kept coming by and wanting to naturally hold my brand new baby and visit me. I spent quality time in the bathroom crying, lord knows why? Just the hormones raging. Thankfully my husband got the hint I was done entertaining and kicked everyone to the curb. I remember day seven of trying to breastfeed it was very hit or miss with her latching correctly. She ate every 90 minutes on the dot. I was so tired I could nod off standing up or even sitting on the toilet. It was 3am and she was screaming and wouldn’t latch on after we had been trying for over an hour and I was crying and my husband was sitting in the car for a little break from both of the crying women in his life. I had, had enough I went into the kitchen and ripped open a can of sample formula I had be given at the hospital, throughly done with breastfeeding. What I didn’t know is that the can of formula is under pressure…. it literally EXPLODED there was white baby formula EVERYWHERE. It covered me and the baby from head to toe. She went silent and so did I. We both were in shock. She then stuck her baby tongue out and tasted the formula filled air. It was hilarious to my poor sleep deprived brain. My husband came back inside and took one look at both of us and burst into laughter. I then decided I’ll try nursing one last time. I sat down put her in the football hold. I kid you not she latched on and we never had another issue since. Ha! I guess she and I just needed to calm down and let each of us relax and have a good laugh.