Giving up

Today was a day where you feel like it won’t end. You just want to give up on everyone and everything and don’t give a damn. You say screw you and screw it all. I had one of those days today. I made something special for someone who has nothing and she was so excited when she got the gift. Then when someone they love said it’s awful it changes their mind on your special gift that you gave them. Which in turn makes you question what you made. I feel so small. I am a big woman so to feel small, tiny and insignificant is weird in a way but it’s true. It is good to be humbled though from time to time. 

 I made this special gift and it got shat on. By someone who thought they could do better and make it nicer and shamed me for many things and having to buy supplies which the gift receiver didn’t even have to provide. Shamed me for doing something good. Something kind and thoughtful and I was so proud and happy to give a homemade gift to someone who has no one, who has nothing. I thought I was helping. Instead I get a slap on the face.

 I over reacted in my mind I know it. But I never did take criticism well. Who does? 

What’s interesting and sad is a person I know went through a similar thing but she handled it differently. But she still felt the sting. She was harsher, angrier, and more critical. Yet I still now am able to sympathize whereas I was to quick to judge before. It’s interesting the lessons you learn when that lesson happens to you. 

There is an exception, you shouldn’t become bitter, don’t give up. Don’t hate don’t be angry. I wear my feelings on my sleeves all to often and it’s high time I pull those sleeves back and toughin up a bit. You will make an impression on someone because you tried. Because you cared, because you loved. Love is the most important as long as you do it from love and kindness keep on keeping on. 

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I OVERCAME

Here is where my story begins;

My earliest memory was probably when I was about 3 years old and my parents and I and my almost adult sister were driving on the freeway a long ways from home. I never honestly liked my father. He was mean and abusive to my mother so I of course as a small child saw this and feared him. I was sitting in the middle front seat and my mother was driving and my father was sitting passenger front and my sister was in the back seat. My father did and does love me in his own way and he wanted affection, but to a small girl who fears this man I wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me to sit in his lap and I refused and he then was furious and was screaming at me. My mother screaming at him telling him to stop it. He ordered her to pull the car over. She always did what she was told. She pulled over on the side of the road and told us to get out. He forced my mother and I to get out and walk he drove off and left us. I remember being so scared and so afraid. My mother picked me up and carried me as we both cried. Many vehicles pulled over and asked if we wanted a ride each time my mother said no. Each time my hopes of never seeing my father again were dashed. After about and hour or so hard to tell time as a 3 year old. My father showed back up and pulled over and ordered us to get in. He then verbally abused us and we sat silently and cried. Later it was my sister sobbing who had begged him to go back and get us. This early memory haunts me and often gives me nightmares. 

He loved to tease you about anything and everything until you cried or got mad then you got in trouble and you were punished to sit in the timeout chair for a hour at a time. He continued to tease you while you were in timeout to make sure you continued to cry.

I have 2 half brothers and 2 half sisters they are all 10 years or more older than me. He abused them as well and much much worse than I ever had gotten but that’s not my story to tell.My mother had left him only once when I was a tiny baby so I don’t remember anything. I do know my siblings said that it was a wonderful time when she was away from him. Sadly my mother is a weak woman who has been abused and broken so badly she went back to him and has stayed with him ever since and now she is 64 years old. He did threaten to kill her and me if she ever left again. He currently holds the threat that if she leaves him he will kill me and my family. So she stays. 

My father is a controlling man. He didn’t allow my mother to have any of her 3 sisters and mother to have any contact with them. She wasnt allowed any friends either. She worked on the ranch her whole life with my father. I remember dreading Sundays because at church he would put on this big act of being a loving wonderful father and husband. But we knew we would have to pay for him having to act like a decent human when we got home from church. He was so mean he never hit me physically to my recollection but some things I have blocked out but he verbally and mentally abused me everyday. He would throw things and hit and abuse my mother. He caused her to miscarry right before she had me because he hit her in the belly with a stick. It was a baby boy.

He viciously abused animals any animals like dogs or cats he caught on our ranch he would torture and shoot them or drown them and he relished it. It was so sick. I remember a skunk he had caught in a live trap and he just left it there in agony no food or drink until it died it took weeks. He would threaten to deck me or knock me into next week if I tried to say or do anything. 

I was in third grade in public school when cps was finally notified. I think my then adult sister tipped them off. I was called into the principals office and I was in a small room with about 4 adults and they asked me all kinds of questions about my dad and his temper and what he does when he is angry. I was scared and worried and was thinking about how much screaming and trouble that was going to happen when I got home. I remember not saying much and just crying. Of course my parents found out and I was immediately pulled from school. He homeschooled me until I was in 7th grade it was horrible.  

His favorite way to abuse me was with anything sweet he kept all sweets and sodas etc any kind of treats locked in a closet and only he had the key. He would get things out and eat them in front of me and say how good it was and I can’t have any. This went on until I moved out at 18. He always thought I was fat and made fun of me and how I looked. I was very fit and athletic my entire high school years only about 160-190 pounds and all muscle I did sports constantly. I felt so ashamed of my weight back then even though I was so slim. I am 5ft 10in tall so I looked good. But I had no self esteem at all. I wore a huge baggy coat all day long for the first two years of high school ashamed of my body the way my father said I should be. I went to a private 8th grade school that I loved and I went to public high school and boy was that a shock. I was teased there for being about as naive as you can get. But after a couple years I made good friends and was good at sports and I did okay. 

My mother doesn’t sleep well at night due to my father snoring every night. So she would sleep in the spare bedroom. I woke to screaming cursing and sobs and my father informed my mother she wasnt allowed to sleep anywhere but in his bed. I was so angry I was in my teens by now. I screamed at him to stop it. He turned his rage onto me I ran into the bathroom and sat with my back to the counter and feet pressed to the door because he didn’t allow any locks on doors in the house except the junk food closet. He slammed his body against the door and cursed and threatened me once he was to get that door open the awful decking I was going to get. But I was older now and stronger. He couldnt get the door open. He kept at it for hours. I was so tired and so terrified. But he gave up cursed and verbally abused me and left me be, an exhausted sobbing mess. My mother got him to calm down after he left me. I was also grossed out that she was forced to sleep naked everyday of her life. I didn’t ask why. Because I knew. 

I was 13 and so tired I was ready to leave this world. I went up and stood by the highway ready to step in front of a semi and end my pain and fear. I was 13 and exhausted. I was a mature 40 year old woman in a 13 year old body. I couldn’t do this anymore. I watched the big semi’s fly by and they honked in alarm at me so close. I closed my eyes and told myself to walk. But I was a coward and couldnt do it.

I often begged my mother to leave him. She would always say no he would kill us. I have always deeply loved my mother our bond was so tight. I know now that she is her own person and makes her own choices.But I often prayed for her to make better choices for us. The closer I got to 18 the brighter the light got at the end of my tunnel. Also the worse their fights were. He often just called her fat and filthy names just to watch her cry with pleasure. He would throw things at her and would dump food on her. I couldn’t grasp and still cannot to this day why she stays with him. 

As I finally hit 18 and was packing to leave a month early to college to get away from his screaming and abuse. He started screaming at her over nothing he said his soup was too hot! I now 18 crawled into my closet and hid and and sobbed I just wanted to him to shut up I started to pull my own hair out and thats how my mother found me with blood under my nails tons of pulled out hair in my fists. She was so defeated looking. She didn’t  want me to leave her alone there with him. But for my own well being I had to go and so I left and started to smoke cigarettes and worked two jobs to forget and be busy. 

Once I was moved out I was free! It felt so good so amazing! 

I had many issues but the biggest was my weight when I was skinny I was called fat and now that I could have treats I struggled with moderation due to my past. I started to gain a lot. I got married to an amazing man and have two amazing kids. But my weight is still a battle. I finally started to get it under control after turning 30 and knowing I am well over 300 pounds and I have to get it off for me. My father is still awful to me but always isn’t his true self in front of others thankfully for my families sake but he often verbally abuses me about my weight. I always think back and remember when I was healthy and skinny he said I was fat then too. 

But I am shaking off his chains and changing my life for me. I’ve lost over 30 pounds since turning 30 and I am now getting help and more support with losing and being healthy.

I overcame. You too can overcome!

Furbaby

So, we have a new furbaby, since our old dog passed on last month. She was such a wonderful dog!! She had organ failure and bad diabetes. So we now have a 15 week old female puppy who we got at 7 weeks old. I will never buy, rent, own, borrow or raise another puppy. This is it. It is exhausting and frustrating and time consuming. Especially when I have a toddler and an infant. Now don’t get me wrong I love my furbaby she is a fantastic lil girl and is very kind and sweet. But she jumps up on the kids and she chews and she whines and she urinates in my house a lot. It’s very overwhelming somedays. She has much improved of course due to being 15 weeks old and lots and lots training and patience. But she now has excitement and being in trouble peeing that she does which is very tiring as well. Again no puppy ever ever again. But again I love her and she is my furbaby and she is my last furbabypuppy.

Fairweather friends~

A Fairweather friend is someone who is only “friends” with you because they get something from you.
It is a person who uses you and takes advantage of you. Sometimes it takes a long time for you to realize that someone is doing it. Or sometimes you know someone is doing it and you allow it. Or you know they are doing it and you hope they will evolve and become a true friend that you want so desperately. Some will even act like a great friend until “someone better” comes along. Then they drop you like dirty underwear. They may be very nice and sweet on the surface but again it is only to get something from you, like money, or they are bored or they need a sitter or you are the “best” they can find to hang out with therefore you’re the last resort. You will notice, you are the only one who calls, texts, social medias, or invites over, asks to do things with this person. Whereas they only speak to you first when they are in need of some sort of service. It could be they need an ego booster or someone to talk to but doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. People like this can be anyone they can be a male or a female or even a family member. But you have to say no. You have to let go of those poisonous relationships. It hurts the person that is the true friend so deeply. It makes you ache deep inside. These are the facts of why you must never be and never have a Fairweather friend.

Murphy’s law ~

Murphy’s Law: by definition anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

So true, my three year old asks me, mama what’s that noise? Confused I say I have no idea. It’s this nasty nails on chalk board sound coming from my laundry room. So I go and investigate this horrendous noise which is coming from my dryer. A nails on chalkboard sound from your dryer is NOT good. My very very old and up until now very dependable dryer has finally kicked the proverbial bucket. I mourn it’s death, but even with dryer death comes new dryer life. I am excited for a new dryer but not excited to pay for it. Especially, since we literally just got back in our finances good graces. Well, today I wear wet clothes in memory of my dearly departed dryer. But tomorrow will be a new day with hopefully a new dryer and dry underwear. Cheers.