I OVERCAME

Here is where my story begins;

My earliest memory was probably when I was about 3 years old and my parents and I and my almost adult sister were driving on the freeway a long ways from home. I never honestly liked my father. He was mean and abusive to my mother so I of course as a small child saw this and feared him. I was sitting in the middle front seat and my mother was driving and my father was sitting passenger front and my sister was in the back seat. My father did and does love me in his own way and he wanted affection, but to a small girl who fears this man I wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me to sit in his lap and I refused and he then was furious and was screaming at me. My mother screaming at him telling him to stop it. He ordered her to pull the car over. She always did what she was told. She pulled over on the side of the road and told us to get out. He forced my mother and I to get out and walk he drove off and left us. I remember being so scared and so afraid. My mother picked me up and carried me as we both cried. Many vehicles pulled over and asked if we wanted a ride each time my mother said no. Each time my hopes of never seeing my father again were dashed. After about and hour or so hard to tell time as a 3 year old. My father showed back up and pulled over and ordered us to get in. He then verbally abused us and we sat silently and cried. Later it was my sister sobbing who had begged him to go back and get us. This early memory haunts me and often gives me nightmares. 

He loved to tease you about anything and everything until you cried or got mad then you got in trouble and you were punished to sit in the timeout chair for a hour at a time. He continued to tease you while you were in timeout to make sure you continued to cry.

I have 2 half brothers and 2 half sisters they are all 10 years or more older than me. He abused them as well and much much worse than I ever had gotten but that’s not my story to tell.My mother had left him only once when I was a tiny baby so I don’t remember anything. I do know my siblings said that it was a wonderful time when she was away from him. Sadly my mother is a weak woman who has been abused and broken so badly she went back to him and has stayed with him ever since and now she is 64 years old. He did threaten to kill her and me if she ever left again. He currently holds the threat that if she leaves him he will kill me and my family. So she stays. 

My father is a controlling man. He didn’t allow my mother to have any of her 3 sisters and mother to have any contact with them. She wasnt allowed any friends either. She worked on the ranch her whole life with my father. I remember dreading Sundays because at church he would put on this big act of being a loving wonderful father and husband. But we knew we would have to pay for him having to act like a decent human when we got home from church. He was so mean he never hit me physically to my recollection but some things I have blocked out but he verbally and mentally abused me everyday. He would throw things and hit and abuse my mother. He caused her to miscarry right before she had me because he hit her in the belly with a stick. It was a baby boy.

He viciously abused animals any animals like dogs or cats he caught on our ranch he would torture and shoot them or drown them and he relished it. It was so sick. I remember a skunk he had caught in a live trap and he just left it there in agony no food or drink until it died it took weeks. He would threaten to deck me or knock me into next week if I tried to say or do anything. 

I was in third grade in public school when cps was finally notified. I think my then adult sister tipped them off. I was called into the principals office and I was in a small room with about 4 adults and they asked me all kinds of questions about my dad and his temper and what he does when he is angry. I was scared and worried and was thinking about how much screaming and trouble that was going to happen when I got home. I remember not saying much and just crying. Of course my parents found out and I was immediately pulled from school. He homeschooled me until I was in 7th grade it was horrible.  

His favorite way to abuse me was with anything sweet he kept all sweets and sodas etc any kind of treats locked in a closet and only he had the key. He would get things out and eat them in front of me and say how good it was and I can’t have any. This went on until I moved out at 18. He always thought I was fat and made fun of me and how I looked. I was very fit and athletic my entire high school years only about 160-190 pounds and all muscle I did sports constantly. I felt so ashamed of my weight back then even though I was so slim. I am 5ft 10in tall so I looked good. But I had no self esteem at all. I wore a huge baggy coat all day long for the first two years of high school ashamed of my body the way my father said I should be. I went to a private 8th grade school that I loved and I went to public high school and boy was that a shock. I was teased there for being about as naive as you can get. But after a couple years I made good friends and was good at sports and I did okay. 

My mother doesn’t sleep well at night due to my father snoring every night. So she would sleep in the spare bedroom. I woke to screaming cursing and sobs and my father informed my mother she wasnt allowed to sleep anywhere but in his bed. I was so angry I was in my teens by now. I screamed at him to stop it. He turned his rage onto me I ran into the bathroom and sat with my back to the counter and feet pressed to the door because he didn’t allow any locks on doors in the house except the junk food closet. He slammed his body against the door and cursed and threatened me once he was to get that door open the awful decking I was going to get. But I was older now and stronger. He couldnt get the door open. He kept at it for hours. I was so tired and so terrified. But he gave up cursed and verbally abused me and left me be, an exhausted sobbing mess. My mother got him to calm down after he left me. I was also grossed out that she was forced to sleep naked everyday of her life. I didn’t ask why. Because I knew. 

I was 13 and so tired I was ready to leave this world. I went up and stood by the highway ready to step in front of a semi and end my pain and fear. I was 13 and exhausted. I was a mature 40 year old woman in a 13 year old body. I couldn’t do this anymore. I watched the big semi’s fly by and they honked in alarm at me so close. I closed my eyes and told myself to walk. But I was a coward and couldnt do it.

I often begged my mother to leave him. She would always say no he would kill us. I have always deeply loved my mother our bond was so tight. I know now that she is her own person and makes her own choices.But I often prayed for her to make better choices for us. The closer I got to 18 the brighter the light got at the end of my tunnel. Also the worse their fights were. He often just called her fat and filthy names just to watch her cry with pleasure. He would throw things at her and would dump food on her. I couldn’t grasp and still cannot to this day why she stays with him. 

As I finally hit 18 and was packing to leave a month early to college to get away from his screaming and abuse. He started screaming at her over nothing he said his soup was too hot! I now 18 crawled into my closet and hid and and sobbed I just wanted to him to shut up I started to pull my own hair out and thats how my mother found me with blood under my nails tons of pulled out hair in my fists. She was so defeated looking. She didn’t  want me to leave her alone there with him. But for my own well being I had to go and so I left and started to smoke cigarettes and worked two jobs to forget and be busy. 

Once I was moved out I was free! It felt so good so amazing! 

I had many issues but the biggest was my weight when I was skinny I was called fat and now that I could have treats I struggled with moderation due to my past. I started to gain a lot. I got married to an amazing man and have two amazing kids. But my weight is still a battle. I finally started to get it under control after turning 30 and knowing I am well over 300 pounds and I have to get it off for me. My father is still awful to me but always isn’t his true self in front of others thankfully for my families sake but he often verbally abuses me about my weight. I always think back and remember when I was healthy and skinny he said I was fat then too. 

But I am shaking off his chains and changing my life for me. I’ve lost over 30 pounds since turning 30 and I am now getting help and more support with losing and being healthy.

I overcame. You too can overcome!

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Working mom

Today is my last day as a SAHM. I feel like a bit of me died. I am not meaning to sound dramatic. I honestly am so so sad. I loved being with my babies 24/7. My mother in law didn’t understand cause she is so social and needs that. I am just happy with my family my babies. I wanted my babies since I was nine years old.  I have at least breastfed my son for almost a year full time. I will continue to breastfeed for awhile yet. I loved watching them splash and play in the pool. I loved taking them on outings and walks everyday and napping with them in the early afternoon. Staring at their beautiful sleeping angel faces. I am so incredibly sad. But I have to do this we just are not making it on one income. My mother made me feel worse saying you will go take care of other people (I work with behavior issues children) but won’t take care if your own? What if something happens to them? What then? I always put my babies to bed and I always feed them dinner. I always bathe them. Now I get to see them 3 days a week. I feel like I am getting a divorce from my babies. I don’t think I can do it. What if my infant is super sad and upset and can’t calm down without me? What if my little girl cannot fall asleep without extra hugs kisses snuggles and love don’t count she always says. What then? My heart is broken.

Mom~

As I sat in the front row watching my oldest child, who is three up on stage doing her preschool singing program. It really hit me. I am a mom. Of course I knew I was, I am a mother of two kiddos here on earth and had many moments of feeling like a mom. But only a few have stood out to me in the chaos of chasing a toddler and a ten month old all day everyday. But seeing her up there being so grown up so big. It really humbled me and made me feel like a mother, old, sad, and happy all at the same time. Time is so precious and it goes so quickly. I try to hang onto every moment but they seem to just slip away. I felt so proud of my little girl up there with her minnie mouse dress on and bouncing curls and happy as can be to be showing off on that stage. She seeks me out in the crowd and soon as she spots my familiar face. Her eyes light up and her hand waves vigorously at me. I love that feeling of being missed and being loved. Such a proud parent moment.

SAHM

I am a stay at home mom and I love it! I did go to college and I have an associates degree. I graduated as a Radiology Technician. But we decided when we had kids I would stay home and raise them until they go to school (kindergarten). We were married for six years before the birth of our first child. We went from a family of two with two incomes to a family of three with one income. Wow quite the change. We have had a lot of struggles financially but we feel as if we are finally working it out well. We became a family of four, three years later with the birth of our second and last child. Money got even tighter and we often worried if it’s a good idea to be so poor with four people and one income and is it worth it? It absolutely IS worth it. We need for nothing. I say need and not want. Because of course there is things we want. But our needs are met. We find a lot of fun free activities to do as well. It’s very worth my staying home with my babies and getting to be with them and see and experience everything from sun up to sunup lol. Some days are so exhausting and I think ugh I would love some adult interaction everyday and I could just drop you off at daycare. Or if I am sick and I think I could take a day off work and sleep and drop you both off at daycare while I do this. But those are few and far between thoughts. I am very blessed to be able to stay at home. Many mothers/fathers would love to be able to do so but are unable to due to many different circumstances. There are also parents who love both their families and their careers and that’s fine too! I speak only for me and my family. I have wanted to be a mom since I was nine years old. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a mom! Everyday is a blessing, each time I wake in the morning and snuggle kiss and play with my kids is a treasure. It’s a treasure I sometimes take for granted, especially if the baby was up all night teething. You feel tired and crabby and wish the baby would just sleep already and that your toddler would sleep in past 7am just once! But sadly even those times fly by so quickly. I blinked and my baby girl is almost four! My baby boy who I swear I just gave birth, is almost one years old!! As a stay at home mom my days and nights are flying by so quickly. I try to grasp and hold onto those moments. Just one more snuggle just more more hug. Before I know it they will be grown and gone.

Let them be little

So my family doesn’t do a lot of screen time. Yes my kids, ages three and nine months do watch some preapproved cartoons and yes my three year old has played kid games on my tablet/phone before but it’s rare and it’s usually at the doctors office or some such place. She has played Mario or video games maybe five times in her life. I just want them to play with toys and use their imaginations. And my three year old has a great imagination! She plays with barbies or little people or anything really and names them and they have these hilarious conversations. She plays house with her real life friends and with her toys and her family. She loves being a mama and plays with dolls. She says she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She loves to give everyone a checkup. She also loves star wars and superheros and often runs around yelling Hulk SMASH! I see so many kids with their faces constantly in a screen and don’t even know how to play or socialize with others. I truly believe that some of the rates of Autism that are running sky high are due to lack of independent play and constant screen time! (I know there are other causes as well) I just feel from what I have read and seen first hand that a lot of Autism is related to lack of play and playing with others and playing outside. My son who is nine months has pretty much no interest in TV yet thankfully. He loves toys and cars and trucks and he loves baby dolls too. He loves his puppy Penny who loves him maybe to much lol. Penny is ten weeks old and is teething ugh. My baby teething is bad enough but my fur baby is teething too haha! I do understand every parent and every single family has different circumstances and must do what is best for each and every person in that family. I am not judging or feeling righteous that we try to limit screen time and therefore are better. Not at all. Every family must do what is the best for that family. Life is so tough as it is let’s give each other a break and not judge other parents. Especially if you aren’t aware their special circumstances.

Hide and seek

My three year old daughter is hilarious she plays hide and seek by covering her eyes and therefore she is hidden from everyone. It’s so much fun saying where are youuu? She is full of giggles and laughter as you loudly search for her. I love hide and seek with a toddler. So much fun to pretend and see her imagination run wild.

Mornings

Ahhh my husband is not a morning person. Both of our kids are definitely morning people. If the sun is awake the kids are always awake! My three year old wants to have deep conversations and my husband wants silence. Three year old always wins but mornings end with so much grouchy. It is often a tiring and thankless job from sun up to sun up raising a family, but even though it’s hard and stressful some days. We are lucky and blessed for even those tough days.