Giving up

Today was a day where you feel like it won’t end. You just want to give up on everyone and everything and don’t give a damn. You say screw you and screw it all. I had one of those days today. I made something special for someone who has nothing and she was so excited when she got the gift. Then when someone they love said it’s awful it changes their mind on your special gift that you gave them. Which in turn makes you question what you made. I feel so small. I am a big woman so to feel small, tiny and insignificant is weird in a way but it’s true. It is good to be humbled though from time to time. 

 I made this special gift and it got shat on. By someone who thought they could do better and make it nicer and shamed me for many things and having to buy supplies which the gift receiver didn’t even have to provide. Shamed me for doing something good. Something kind and thoughtful and I was so proud and happy to give a homemade gift to someone who has no one, who has nothing. I thought I was helping. Instead I get a slap on the face.

 I over reacted in my mind I know it. But I never did take criticism well. Who does? 

What’s interesting and sad is a person I know went through a similar thing but she handled it differently. But she still felt the sting. She was harsher, angrier, and more critical. Yet I still now am able to sympathize whereas I was to quick to judge before. It’s interesting the lessons you learn when that lesson happens to you. 

There is an exception, you shouldn’t become bitter, don’t give up. Don’t hate don’t be angry. I wear my feelings on my sleeves all to often and it’s high time I pull those sleeves back and toughin up a bit. You will make an impression on someone because you tried. Because you cared, because you loved. Love is the most important as long as you do it from love and kindness keep on keeping on. 

Struggling

I have an eternal deep struggle with homosexuality. But let me start at the beginning…

The home I grew up in was a home of strictness, extremist, and often abusive. My mother who is now 63 years old has been abused her entire life. I hope that when she goes to Heaven God has a very very special saintly place for her because she has been dealt a tough hand in life.
Anyways, my father verbally abused us all. He also physically and verbally and mentally abused my mother. I think he physically abused my half brothers and sisters too but I was to young to know. If I was physically abused I have blocked it out. I do remember the verbal and the mental abuse. It was so hard sometimes. Yet that is a another blog post for another time. The reason and bit of background is my folks are conservative republican. I was raised that way. I have read the bible (most of it) I believe in God and Jesus and consider myself a Christian. But my father is the most bigot, sexist, racist, anti homosexual person I have ever encountered. These teachings were pounded into my skull. Thankfully with help from my husband and friends and priest and researching I was able to overcome everything except homosexuality. It’s so hard to change any thought processes on it. I read the bible I feel that God honestly doesn’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. Is it a choice? Is it a disease? Is it a birth defect? Is it a temptation? I don’t know. Am I afraid? Yes, I don’t want to associate because I don’t want God to be mad at me to stop loving me. I am terrified of hell. I terrified of dieing I am terrified of possibility of pugatory. I also am afraid of the Popes. I don’t like that they think they can speak for God or that they think they can forgive us our sins. Only God can forgive us. I have friends that are homosexual, I am not mean to them. I do not hate them. I am afraid to be more than an distant friend. Such as a polite and distant acquaintance. I don’t trust. I am just afraid. I hope someday somehow peace will find me. I am not afraid of God I know he is love. This struggle was brought to the forefront of my mind with the shootings in FL. This was so horrible what monster goes into a place and just kills people? Who is this person? He is not God! He doesn’t get to judge these people he doesn’t get to kill them. Yet this person this monster stole those lives. I ache with sadness for all the loss these deaths have caused all these families. I may not support gay marriage but I do support life.

What happend to modesty?

What happened to modesty?

Definition:

Simple Definition of modesty

: the quality of not being too proud or confident about yourself or your abilities

: the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention

Nowadays in 2016 the people, women in general say that they should be able to be mostly nude and that is perfectly acceptable. No it is not. It isn’t modest and it absolutely attracts sexual attention!! Men definitely get aroused seeing a woman’s nearly nude or scantily clad body. What happened to modesty? No I don’t agree that if you wear a bikini to a beach you deserve or would get raped. If you do wear immodest clothes you will be looked at its is human nature. Folks of the opposite sex are normally naturally attracted to other people. That’s the way life is. When you wear clothes that show to much skin you will probably have cruddy or improper men or any man make an advance on you. That is society these days. They assume since you are wearing practically nothing that you are a slut or you are “easy”. It is important to leave some things to the imagination and to save your private self for your significant other. I cannot believe how horrible everyone’s morals and ethics are nowadays. A woman dresses like a hooker and a man makes a sexual advance or remark (not touching her) and they think something is wrong with the man… well don’t dress like you want to screw everything that walks. 

To work or not to work~

Have you ever felt anxious about doing what is right? Well, I have been a stay at home mom for most of my 2 kids lives. My eldest IS almost four. I love it. Some days are definitely hard and trying. But usually they are amazing and blessed. But we need me to work. So as a family we decided yes I need to get gainful employment. My in laws are so wonderful and supportive and so is my hubby and friends. My parents of course are not. They think a mother’s place is to be a mother. But I am more than just a mother. I am a friend and a lover and wife and daughter and coworker and a mother. I adore my babies and have always ever since I was nine wanted to be a stay at home mom. And maybe after we get back on our feet or my hubby gets a higher paying job in his career field I could quit and be a SAHM again. But for now this is the right thing to do. I am so anxious about being away from my little girl and my eleven month old baby boy whom I still nurse full time. It’s crazy all the feelings than ravage you about going back to work, anxiety, fear, depression, shame, scared, anger. I feel like I am letting my kids down. Yet I am doing this for all of us so we can have things and pay bills and eat. But I know that feeling you get when going back to work. I just hope and pray I am making a good decision and that all will be well.

Furbaby

So, we have a new furbaby, since our old dog passed on last month. She was such a wonderful dog!! She had organ failure and bad diabetes. So we now have a 15 week old female puppy who we got at 7 weeks old. I will never buy, rent, own, borrow or raise another puppy. This is it. It is exhausting and frustrating and time consuming. Especially when I have a toddler and an infant. Now don’t get me wrong I love my furbaby she is a fantastic lil girl and is very kind and sweet. But she jumps up on the kids and she chews and she whines and she urinates in my house a lot. It’s very overwhelming somedays. She has much improved of course due to being 15 weeks old and lots and lots training and patience. But she now has excitement and being in trouble peeing that she does which is very tiring as well. Again no puppy ever ever again. But again I love her and she is my furbaby and she is my last furbabypuppy.

Fairweather friends~

A Fairweather friend is someone who is only “friends” with you because they get something from you.
It is a person who uses you and takes advantage of you. Sometimes it takes a long time for you to realize that someone is doing it. Or sometimes you know someone is doing it and you allow it. Or you know they are doing it and you hope they will evolve and become a true friend that you want so desperately. Some will even act like a great friend until “someone better” comes along. Then they drop you like dirty underwear. They may be very nice and sweet on the surface but again it is only to get something from you, like money, or they are bored or they need a sitter or you are the “best” they can find to hang out with therefore you’re the last resort. You will notice, you are the only one who calls, texts, social medias, or invites over, asks to do things with this person. Whereas they only speak to you first when they are in need of some sort of service. It could be they need an ego booster or someone to talk to but doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. People like this can be anyone they can be a male or a female or even a family member. But you have to say no. You have to let go of those poisonous relationships. It hurts the person that is the true friend so deeply. It makes you ache deep inside. These are the facts of why you must never be and never have a Fairweather friend.

Why do I Exist?

Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why did God choose me? Why was I chosen out of billions of sperm that could reach my mothers egg and I was the one that was created. Why? Who am I? I often wonder these things. I hope to be of some good in this world. I see so much hope and beauty. Yet, I see so much hate and anger and sin. It’s terrifing, yet again I ask why am I here? To be a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend? Why? I have a profession that I felt was pushed onto me by my parents. They wanted me to have a job that pays. So I became a radiology tech. But by the time I graduated there were no jobs. So then I applied and took call for hospitals but couldn’t find full or even part time work. So I was over thirty five thousand dollars in debt for a career that was overpopulated. So we focused on my husband’s career. He did get a job in his field upon graduation which was so great. We also started a family. But again I have no career. I decided to be a SAHM because the regular jobs would be just working to pay for daycare with little take home pay after childcare. That and I adore being a mom and taking care of my kids. But again is this why I am here? I always have felt called to help others like being a missionary. But I’ve never had the willpower to accomplish such a task. I have never left far from under my parents thumb. I probably never will until they pass on. Then I will be free. But to do what? Why do I exist? I love life, my family and my friends. I also wonder how I have a mate and how I have friends, because I admit I don’t see value in myself. Therefore I struggle to see why others do see value or if they do?  But what can I do to make a mark on this world? My 30th birthday is looming very near, so all this angst is definitely rising due to hitting this milestone age. It’s just a number but it feels like a huge leap closer to the grave. I guess I will just need to keep telling myself 30 is a number and you are only as old as you feel. I don’t know yet but, I can tell you this much. I am definitely working on coming up with something to make some sort of mark on this world someday. Does anyone else ever feel like this?