To work or not to work~

Have you ever felt anxious about doing what is right? Well, I have been a stay at home mom for most of my 2 kids lives. My eldest IS almost four. I love it. Some days are definitely hard and trying. But usually they are amazing and blessed. But we need me to work. So as a family we decided yes I need to get gainful employment. My in laws are so wonderful and supportive and so is my hubby and friends. My parents of course are not. They think a mother’s place is to be a mother. But I am more than just a mother. I am a friend and a lover and wife and daughter and coworker and a mother. I adore my babies and have always ever since I was nine wanted to be a stay at home mom. And maybe after we get back on our feet or my hubby gets a higher paying job in his career field I could quit and be a SAHM again. But for now this is the right thing to do. I am so anxious about being away from my little girl and my eleven month old baby boy whom I still nurse full time. It’s crazy all the feelings than ravage you about going back to work, anxiety, fear, depression, shame, scared, anger. I feel like I am letting my kids down. Yet I am doing this for all of us so we can have things and pay bills and eat. But I know that feeling you get when going back to work. I just hope and pray I am making a good decision and that all will be well.

Murphy’s law ~

Murphy’s Law: by definition anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

So true, my three year old asks me, mama what’s that noise? Confused I say I have no idea. It’s this nasty nails on chalk board sound coming from my laundry room. So I go and investigate this horrendous noise which is coming from my dryer. A nails on chalkboard sound from your dryer is NOT good. My very very old and up until now very dependable dryer has finally kicked the proverbial bucket. I mourn it’s death, but even with dryer death comes new dryer life. I am excited for a new dryer but not excited to pay for it. Especially, since we literally just got back in our finances good graces. Well, today I wear wet clothes in memory of my dearly departed dryer. But tomorrow will be a new day with hopefully a new dryer and dry underwear. Cheers.

Breastfeeding dilemma

So, my first baby is a girl. I was very excited to breastfeed. I was excited for the healthyness, the bond and my favorite part it’s FREE. Lol. Well I always assumed breastfeeding would be as easy as breathing! After all everyone has nipples how hard could it be? HA flipping hard that’s what. Very flipping difficult. The baby’s mouth has to be just right or it hurts. Plus it’s hurts for the first month anyways cause your brand new baby is sucking on your swollen boobs/nipples every 2 hours and sometimes even more often than that! I remember the first week home with my first baby. I had no clue what the hell I was doing with this six pound 3 ounce screaming bundle of joy. I tried to get her to latch she couldn’t and then would cry and then I cried. My hormones were through the roof. People kept visiting too and I had just had a c section, and I was constantly in my big baggy ugly granny pajamas. People kept coming by and wanting to naturally hold my brand new baby and visit me. I spent quality time in the bathroom crying, lord knows why? Just the hormones raging. Thankfully my husband got the hint I was done entertaining and kicked everyone to the curb. I remember day seven of trying to breastfeed it was very hit or miss with her latching correctly. She ate every 90 minutes on the dot. I was so tired I could nod off standing up or even sitting on the toilet. It was 3am and she was screaming and wouldn’t latch on after we had been trying for over an hour and I was crying and my husband was sitting in the car for a little break from both of the crying women in his life. I had, had enough I went into the kitchen and ripped open a can of sample formula I had be given at the hospital, throughly done with breastfeeding. What I didn’t know is that the can of formula is under pressure…. it literally EXPLODED there was white baby formula EVERYWHERE. It covered me and the baby from head to toe. She went silent and so did I. We both were in shock. She then stuck her baby tongue out and tasted the formula filled air. It was hilarious to my poor sleep deprived brain. My husband came back inside and took one look at both of us and burst into laughter. I then decided I’ll try nursing one last time. I sat down put her in the football hold. I kid you not she latched on and we never had another issue since. Ha! I guess she and I just needed to calm down and let each of us relax and have a good laugh.

Why do I Exist?

Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why did God choose me? Why was I chosen out of billions of sperm that could reach my mothers egg and I was the one that was created. Why? Who am I? I often wonder these things. I hope to be of some good in this world. I see so much hope and beauty. Yet, I see so much hate and anger and sin. It’s terrifing, yet again I ask why am I here? To be a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend? Why? I have a profession that I felt was pushed onto me by my parents. They wanted me to have a job that pays. So I became a radiology tech. But by the time I graduated there were no jobs. So then I applied and took call for hospitals but couldn’t find full or even part time work. So I was over thirty five thousand dollars in debt for a career that was overpopulated. So we focused on my husband’s career. He did get a job in his field upon graduation which was so great. We also started a family. But again I have no career. I decided to be a SAHM because the regular jobs would be just working to pay for daycare with little take home pay after childcare. That and I adore being a mom and taking care of my kids. But again is this why I am here? I always have felt called to help others like being a missionary. But I’ve never had the willpower to accomplish such a task. I have never left far from under my parents thumb. I probably never will until they pass on. Then I will be free. But to do what? Why do I exist? I love life, my family and my friends. I also wonder how I have a mate and how I have friends, because I admit I don’t see value in myself. Therefore I struggle to see why others do see value or if they do?  But what can I do to make a mark on this world? My 30th birthday is looming very near, so all this angst is definitely rising due to hitting this milestone age. It’s just a number but it feels like a huge leap closer to the grave. I guess I will just need to keep telling myself 30 is a number and you are only as old as you feel. I don’t know yet but, I can tell you this much. I am definitely working on coming up with something to make some sort of mark on this world someday. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

SAHM

I am a stay at home mom and I love it! I did go to college and I have an associates degree. I graduated as a Radiology Technician. But we decided when we had kids I would stay home and raise them until they go to school (kindergarten). We were married for six years before the birth of our first child. We went from a family of two with two incomes to a family of three with one income. Wow quite the change. We have had a lot of struggles financially but we feel as if we are finally working it out well. We became a family of four, three years later with the birth of our second and last child. Money got even tighter and we often worried if it’s a good idea to be so poor with four people and one income and is it worth it? It absolutely IS worth it. We need for nothing. I say need and not want. Because of course there is things we want. But our needs are met. We find a lot of fun free activities to do as well. It’s very worth my staying home with my babies and getting to be with them and see and experience everything from sun up to sunup lol. Some days are so exhausting and I think ugh I would love some adult interaction everyday and I could just drop you off at daycare. Or if I am sick and I think I could take a day off work and sleep and drop you both off at daycare while I do this. But those are few and far between thoughts. I am very blessed to be able to stay at home. Many mothers/fathers would love to be able to do so but are unable to due to many different circumstances. There are also parents who love both their families and their careers and that’s fine too! I speak only for me and my family. I have wanted to be a mom since I was nine years old. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a mom! Everyday is a blessing, each time I wake in the morning and snuggle kiss and play with my kids is a treasure. It’s a treasure I sometimes take for granted, especially if the baby was up all night teething. You feel tired and crabby and wish the baby would just sleep already and that your toddler would sleep in past 7am just once! But sadly even those times fly by so quickly. I blinked and my baby girl is almost four! My baby boy who I swear I just gave birth, is almost one years old!! As a stay at home mom my days and nights are flying by so quickly. I try to grasp and hold onto those moments. Just one more snuggle just more more hug. Before I know it they will be grown and gone.

Let them be little

So my family doesn’t do a lot of screen time. Yes my kids, ages three and nine months do watch some preapproved cartoons and yes my three year old has played kid games on my tablet/phone before but it’s rare and it’s usually at the doctors office or some such place. She has played Mario or video games maybe five times in her life. I just want them to play with toys and use their imaginations. And my three year old has a great imagination! She plays with barbies or little people or anything really and names them and they have these hilarious conversations. She plays house with her real life friends and with her toys and her family. She loves being a mama and plays with dolls. She says she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She loves to give everyone a checkup. She also loves star wars and superheros and often runs around yelling Hulk SMASH! I see so many kids with their faces constantly in a screen and don’t even know how to play or socialize with others. I truly believe that some of the rates of Autism that are running sky high are due to lack of independent play and constant screen time! (I know there are other causes as well) I just feel from what I have read and seen first hand that a lot of Autism is related to lack of play and playing with others and playing outside. My son who is nine months has pretty much no interest in TV yet thankfully. He loves toys and cars and trucks and he loves baby dolls too. He loves his puppy Penny who loves him maybe to much lol. Penny is ten weeks old and is teething ugh. My baby teething is bad enough but my fur baby is teething too haha! I do understand every parent and every single family has different circumstances and must do what is best for each and every person in that family. I am not judging or feeling righteous that we try to limit screen time and therefore are better. Not at all. Every family must do what is the best for that family. Life is so tough as it is let’s give each other a break and not judge other parents. Especially if you aren’t aware their special circumstances.

Hide and seek

My three year old daughter is hilarious she plays hide and seek by covering her eyes and therefore she is hidden from everyone. It’s so much fun saying where are youuu? She is full of giggles and laughter as you loudly search for her. I love hide and seek with a toddler. So much fun to pretend and see her imagination run wild.